The children are our future, God help us!

Ross Douthat has pointed out that many college conservatives are monarchists, which is a polite way of saying that they're completely daft. However, back at Yale we wore the badge of insanity with pride; we knew it produced results. For those who are curious about what College Republicans are up to these days, here are a few telling quotes.

They're theologically sophisticated:

“Is pistol-whipping a priest a felony or a misdemeanor?”
“In a criminal or ecclesiastical court?”

They're patriotic:

“States are arbitrary units.”
“No, they’re not. They have anthems.”

They defy the odds:

“It ain’t easy turning an octaroon-raised-in-China, sexually deviant, drug-using, computer-hacking, transhumanist Nietzschean into a conservative.”

They prefer small government:

“The chip in my passport doesn’t work. Will that be a problem when we go to South Africa?”
“I’m not sure. What happened to it?”
“My anarchist ex-boyfriend microwaved it to free me from the state.”

They're chivalrous:

“Fuck you both. No, fuck you twice, because I can’t do that to her."

They're committed to the Socratic process:

“I wonder if the gentleman isn’t using philosophy like Prozac, and whether Prozac wouldn’t be more helpful.”

They know how to have fun:

“I want to play dirty mind games with someone!”
“We have Boggle.”

And not a little hard-livin':

“What time is it?”
“Well, it’s dark, which means we’re awake.”

The bottom line:

“So what did you learn in your five years with the Party of the Right?”
“I learned two ways to pronounce coitus.”

In all seriousness, the conservatives I knew in college—lo these seven months ago!—drank harder, smoked more, and enjoyed life more fully than their counterparts on the political left, which makes me think that David Frum's bellyaches about the GOP's losses in the 18-25 cohort are overblown. Obama captured them two-to-one this time around, but the young conservatives of today, like the young liberals of the sixties, regard the young-and-single lifestyle as an opportunity for heroism. That's non-negligible cause for hope.